"You don't look pregnant from the back."

I've heard this several times in the past week. I'm dying to know what someone looks like when she looks pregnant from the back. My usual response is, "that's good, right? I shouldn't look pregnant from the back." The person talking to me usually tries to explain what they mean, but then they realize they can't.

And anyway, I think I probably do look like I'm pregnant from the back...like I'm carrying another baby in my ginormous butt.

No rest for the weary

I use public transportation. Last night the train was packed, and let me tell you that being 8-ish months pregnant does not get you a seat on the train. Really, I was feeling fine and didn't *need* to sit down, but an interesting sociological observation. No one gave the crazy/drunk man a seat, either, and he really needed to sit down because he'd left his balance at the bottom of a bottle of brown liquor.

Braxton Hicks contractions

I just realized today that what I've been feeling occasionally are Braxton Hicks contractions. I kept thinking it was Val flipping around until I finally focused--Val is still, but my whole, big belly is tightening up. I hope they do their job and help "ripen my cervix."

Open letter to pants

Dear maternity jeans,
Could I hate you any more than I do? I submit I could not. You have a very wide, stretchy waistband. How can you not stay up? My belly is big, but aren't you designed to stay up even a little bit?

Please stop sliding down. I'm tired of having a saggy crotch and constantly having to pull you up. It's embarrassing.

Signed,
Hater

Morning conversation

Sweet LJ: I should warn you that on Friday on our way back from Chateau Elan, I need to stop by the Mall of Georgia. I know it's Black Friday. I just need to stop by a few stores.

Me: The Mall of Georgia? On Black Friday? Are you [gigantic, echoing, unexpected belch]...

Sweet LJ: [huge, belly-grabbing laughter]

Me: Sorry. No warning.

Ahh, pregnancy gas: What's more entertaining?

More questions people like to ask pregnant women

Continued from Part 1

1. How are you feeling?


2. How much weight have you gained?


3. Have you picked out a name?


4. Are you pregnant/are you expecting/is that a bump?


5. Random rhetorical question followed by, "you just wait." For example:
   
   • You think you're tired now? You just wait.
   
   
   • You think you'll be going out after the baby is born? You just wait.
   
   
   • You're not buying a _____? You just wait.
   
   
   • You think you'll have time to _____? You just wait.
   
   
   • You think finding a babysitter is easy? You just wait.
   
   

My responses:

1. I feel GREAT. Every time someone asks, that's what I say.


2. How much weight have YOU gained?


3. Yes, but we're keeping it a secret. Sometimes I feel guilty not telling, so I say, "we're still thinking about it."


4. A bold question!


5. I just smile and nod and wonder whether the children of these people can sense their parents' resentment.

[sigh]

Today someone told me my face looked fat. Oh, she also told me I looked tired. Thanks! I feel so pretty now.

What I like about being pregnant

• loose, stretchy clothing


• 9 months of no litter box duty. Jackpot!


• how excited people are when they find out I'm pregnant, even people I barely know


• how nice people are when they find out I'm pregnant


• having a built-in excuse for running slowly


• Sweet LJ reading books to my belly


• feeling Val move


• thinking ahead 1 year, 5 years, 10 years...


• daydreaming about what Val will look like

What I miss while being pregnant

• wine


• pockets. Why can't maternity pants have pockets?


• running fast(er than I can now)


• my collection of fall/winter non-maternity skirts


• taking a huge, deep breath


• street drugs*

*just kidding

Top 5 questions people like to ask pregnant women

1. Are you going to find out the sex?

2. Do you have any food cravings?

3. Have you been sick?

4. Are you excited?

5. Was it planned?

My responses:

1. Yes

2. About a month ago I really wanted some chocolate donuts (the kind that are chocolate all the way through, not iced). Sweet LJ found a donut shop (we were on vacation) and bought me some. The other day I really wanted a glass of milk, but I think I "craved" it because we were out and I didn't feel like going shopping.

3. No

4. Of course. Can you imagine the responses if I told people I wasn't excited?

5. I don't answer this. I just stare at the asker as if to say, "no, really, do you know what you're asking?"

Today I had to pin my pants

My pants have a button and a hook. I buttoned up ok, but I couldn't hook the hook without that sausage-in-a-casing feeling. I used a safety pin for extra security. I probably should get a bella band, but none of my shirts are long enough to cover it up. So, maybe I should get some maternity shirts. Or, just wear sweats until my maternity pants fit.

I told Sweet LJ I had to pin my pants, and he commented that Val must be getting fat. Sweet, smart LJ for not saying I'm getting fat.

Pants! Pants! Pants!

I had a mild panic attack one morning last week that I'd wake up one day and none of my work clothes would fit me, and I'd have to wear Sweet LJ's pajama pants to work. So, I went online and ordered 4 pairs of maternity pants.

The pants arrived today, and they're huge (but so comfy). I could probably get away with wearing them now, actually, but they're so baggy in the seat--like I could fit 2 butts in there. They'll probably fit perfectly in about a week at the rate I'm eating cheese and the mini twixes someone left in the office candy dish.